nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
