i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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