I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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