I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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