there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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