Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
