My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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