I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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