True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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