Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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