I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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