Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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