you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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