420 ftw
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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