i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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