I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i now understand why vodka
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
