so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
