I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
