i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
