My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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