he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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