smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
