That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
