the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
