and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
