I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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