I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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