so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
