I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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