AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
