I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
