Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
