i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
