I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
