Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i believe in u and ur pee
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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