just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im holly from the hills drunk
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
