mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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