im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
