I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
