i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
