Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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