omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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