Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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