turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
