Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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