Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
