Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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