Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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