How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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