I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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