well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
50% drunk capacity currently
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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