I got chris browned last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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