I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
