rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
