All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
