We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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