i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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