I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
