**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
