so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
