who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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