Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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