The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
