i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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