even my farts smell like vagina
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
