If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
